Para's Ponderings

I’ve been relatively open with my mental health struggles for quite some time now. It’s not something I have ever tried to hide. I often feel the need to explain all of this to people, so people are less confused why I am the way I am.

One of my ex-partners used to jokingly compare having a mental illness to collecting something as a hobby, in this instance, it was Pokémon merchandise – The premise being that once you have one, it’s likely you’ll end up with more. Putting my ex’s clunky Pokémon metaphors aside, there does seem to be some merit to this idea.

I’ve decided to include a little timeline to explain the progression of my mental state throughout my lifetime.

• 2014 (Age 13)

  • Diagnosis for Social Anxiety Disorder
  • Diagnosis for Depression
• 2020 (Age 19)

  • Diagnosis for Borderline Personality Disorder
• 2023 (Age 22)

  • Diagnosis for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
  • Informed that I likely have a psychotic disorder (No official diagnosis)
  • Informed that I have Paranoid Personality traits (Not enough for a Diagnosis)
• 2025 (Age 24)

  • Diagnosis for Delusional Parasitosis

A lot of back and forth, and different opinions have led to these conclusions. I’ve spoke with a psychiatrist that essentially informed me that I “ticked all the boxes for BPD”, and another who told me that it’s impossible for me to have a personality disorder because I can hold a job.

My highly negative opinions on the quality of mental healthcare in this country aside… It sure has been an interesting, but unsurprising progression. When things don’t improve, they tend to get worse.

I have been extremely careful to never look into any mental disorders that I am not diagnosed with, simply because I am self-aware enough to know that I’m suggestive enough to start expressing traits that I do not really have, because I found a disorder with one or two relatable symptoms.

I have often been accused of being Bipolar, likely because my father was. This was the only thing I ever specifically asked to be tested for, because of the genetic connection. I certainly do not have it. Bipolar involves mood-swings between depression (sadness) and mania (high energy) Essentially – the swing between negative, and positive moods. While I do have mood-swings, they are swinging rapidly between different forms of sadness, there is never a moment where it is anything other than depressive.

I remember feeling relieved when I had it officially confirmed that I do not have Bipolar – but honestly, having a genetic explanation would be helpful. I could just blame my father, and not put any deeper thought into it. I don’t blame him for nearly enough, so it would work quite well.

Well, things are never the way you want them to be.

The diagnosis that I consider the most integral part of my being is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), and unfortunately, it is caused by trauma. I’m sure it would be convenient to place blame on the person that “caused” it, but that’s not productive.

Between the BPD and some of my more recent diagnoses, I have begun to see a clearer picture of who I am, and why I am this way. Once you have a diagnosis, the most powerful thing you can do is a ton of research. Self awareness is the key to being able to function.

What I find interesting about any sort of mental disorder is that there are so many ways that you can express traits. You only need to meet certain traits in order to qualify for a diagnosis, but every person with a disorder will express different traits. There are traits that I do not express that most other people with BPD may, and vice versa.

There is also a lot of overlap between some of my diagnoses, which is common, but this is also why It’s hard to be properly diagnosed. It’s really common for psychiatrists to see “huh, you’ve got BPD.. well that explains everything” It doesn’t.

Once you meet the diagnostic criteria, all you have left is “common symptoms” and some of these symptoms are the main criteria for another disorder, so why diagnose both when the first disorder likely explains it?

A concept that a lot of psychiatrists (in my experience) fail to recognize is that these common symptoms are likely coming from people that have other mental disorders as well. BPD is the best example for this, because while the diagnostic criteria is strict, the common symptoms are virtually all over the place. In fact, 83% of people with BPD also have other disorders (source)

• 75% of people with BPD also have an anxiety disorder (source)
• 60% of people with BPD also have a depressive disorder (Source)
• 26% people with BPD experience delusions (source)
• 20% of people with BPD also have OCD (source)

Everything does link together in a way that makes a whole lot of sense, but if you tell people you have multiple mental disorders, they start to see you differently. There is a vast difference between the way that a person views you when they think you have one mental health issue, and how they view you if you have multiple. It’s no longer sympathy and compassion, it’s judgement, and the thought that “she must be doing it for attention!”

The internet certainly has not helped. Self diagnosis has become trendy, and young teenagers list all their assumed mental illnesses in their social media bios like it’s a badge of honor. People who are too young to receive a diagnosis for a personality disorder are misinterpreting the normal teenage behaviors that they exhibit and claiming that they are mentally ill. When these people reach diagnosis age, they already know what they need to say to get their diagnosis – they’ve been looking into it for years.

It’s not so easy for people with mental disorders to be taken seriously, there is not enough knowledge about these disorders, and people rarely make the effort to find out. People make assumptions based on media, or off stories circulating online, and they judge you based on that. Having BPD means that I want attention, having OCD must mean that I’m a very clean person, having a psychotic or a delusional disorder must mean that I’m crazy and unstable…

Every person is unique, and having a mental illness does not make you who you are, it does not define you. It explains why you are the way that you are, and this distinction is important.

What’s my point here? I honestly don’t even know. I do not get to discuss mental health in real life, so screaming to the void may be cathartic.

I will certainly write more about this at some point.