Para's Ponderings

I had a breakdown the other day. I said too many things that I shouldn’t have. I let someone see past the walls that I intentionally keep up. Not an ideal situation when you make an active effort to have people to see you as passive and emotionless.

The thoughts and emotions that I let into the world in a moment of weakness will never go away. I cannot dig my way out of this hole I buried myself in. I can’t pretend it never happened. I need to live with the consequences of my weakness.

I spend so much time strategically planning what I am going to say and do in every situation. I spend time preparing for things that are functionally impossible, because it’s worth it, to avoid myself needing to make snap judgements. I curated myself a personality that is so bland that no one thinks twice about me.

I don’t tell people about my life, I don’t show any signs of weakness (unless it’s my only option), and I certainly do not express any non-neutral emotions.

The biggest problem about losing control is that it makes people feel like they know you – it makes them feel that they should keep engaging with you. You show a person a single emotion and they will put in extreme effort to find out more about you, to poke and pry as if they’ve forgotten you’re a real human being. They’ll treat you like you’re a mystery that they need to solve.

It’s patronizing for people to pretend they care about me when it’s so painfully obvious they just think I’m unstable and feel morally obligated to act like they care.

People cannot be trusted.

People have showed me over many years that they cannot be trusted. Every person will eventually show their true colors. Every person will betray you if it’s convenient for them. There is no exception.

Is there….?

I keep convincing myself there is. There is always a new person that comes along to give me hope. They never last long, but they are as inevitable.

My obnoxious mix of delusion and self-awareness make this a really detrimental cycle.

Someone shows up, I believe they could be the exception – the one person that will never judge me. Naturally, I become oddly attached to them. It’s essentially been the person I’ve been waiting to meet for my whole life! – How could I not get attached? I’m self aware enough to know how dumb this is, and yet… it keeps happening.

Will this person be the one that never lets me down? It’s not likely.

This might be worth it for the feeling alone. During these periods, I feel so excited. It’s almost like it gives me a momentary reason to live. I will let this person consume my mind until they do something to end it. If there’s one good person about me – I certainly am committed. (The term ‘obsessive’ works well too – but is less positive)

I hope you are the exception.