Para's Ponderings

I used to think that what I needed was stability, to know what was coming, so I didn’t need to fear the unknown.

Years of living with something “stable” and I want nothing but to go back to how it was before.

I lived in fear of the volatility, and sometimes the violence, but now that seems like something I took for granted.

It turns out, feeling something, even if it’s negative, is infinitely better than feeling nothing.

Every single day is the same, and somehow each is more meaningless than the last. There’s no cap to how meaningless they can be, it just keeps sinking lower and lower.

I absolutely adore the concept of Entropy. Although it’s not the common use of the term, when applied to day -to-day live, Entropy is essentially what keeps things interesting, stops everyday from being the same, and adds new variables into your life.

Every day has been the exact same for over five years. No excitement, no chance of anything interesting happening, just strict repetition, and I don’t know how to make it stop.

I’m a chaotic person, naturally, but when you’re constantly around someone who dulls your chaos, and forces you into “stability”, nothing you can do will make a difference.

“What’s so great about living? You know when I’m happy? For about five seconds in the morning when I first wake up. Before I remember who I am and what my life is all about. Anxiety, dissapointment, I don’t know if there’s an afterlife. But who cares? Nothingness couldn’t be any worse than this meaningless march through my empty days” – Stan Smith, American Dad

Is using a quote from a cartoon an odd choice for something that seems so serious? perhaps, but I resonated with this the second I watched the episode, and it may be the most relatable TV quote of all time.

Everything just seems so pointless if nothing you do matters. I feel like a NPC. I can do things, but none of them change the story in any way, or in other terms, i feel like I’m a background character in someone else’s story. I don’t even feel like the main character in my own life.

What’s the point of having free will if I can’t do a single thing that changes anything?

I’ve tried countless times. As many bad decisions I make, and bad things I say and do, nothing happens. Starting arguments to feel something won’t work when there’s no one to argue back.

I spend most of every day completely un-alert and blacked out, because each of these days is the exact same as the last, and there’s no need to remember the same thing twice.

All the things that people usually do to ease their emptiness are things that are not available to me, things I cannot do because I never get to be alone, there’s always someone watching and judging. I can’t do things that I’ve judged others for doing in the past, not with everyone watching me.

I really do consider driving off, or jumping off something, not to kill but to maim. Waking up in a hospital in unimaginable pain sounds so much better than waking up alone in the same places I always have, as bad as it sounds.

Most people are suicidal because they want their pain to end, I am suicidal because I want to feel something, anything… Literally just any feeling other than emptiness and it’ll mean so much to me.

It’s strange to think of myself as a fourteen year old wondering if the pain would ever end, if I’d ever find someone who wouldn’t hurt me. She would be so mad to know that I desperately wish I could go back.

Pain ends, it won’t last forever, but it sure does keep things interesting.