Para's Ponderings

I have yet again fallen victim to the absurdity of those Instagram Reels stories. The ones where they push the narrative that the attractive guy will ever want the fat girl.

As aware as I am that this idea is entirely unrealistic, I still find myself staying up all night watching and making myself sad.

That will never be my reality, it’s just not a thing that happens outside of fiction.

I thought I was fine with this, I thought I was fine settling with whatever I could get, knowing the other option is being alone forever.

Following the dissolution of my marriage, I realize that I was wrong. I was never okay with it. My marriage was entirely platonic and I was fine with that because I didn’t feel that there was any point wanting something I cannot have.

All I’ve ever had are scraps. People that treat me poorly, never listen and patronize me or people that refuse to feel or express any emotion whatsoever.

I spent 8-ish years in this strange, invalidating, platonic sham of a relationship. I wasn’t sad when it ended, because it felt like we were just putting a name to something that had been true for years already. Now we are friends officially, but that’s all it had ever been.

I just want a proper love story. I want all those stereotypical things that girls grow up wanting. I’m weak enough to admit how much I care about this.

I imagine that there’s a person that finds me genuinely appealing, and I imagine our story and smile.. But it’s just as fake as those stories I can’t stop myself from watching.

I learned from a young age that people only want me for one thing. It terrifies me, but I learned how to handle that when I was 14. As I re-enter this world, I’m grappling with the realization that people probably don’t think I’m even good enough to objectify at this point.

The amount of frankly deranged messages I’ve dodged these past couple weeks has been insane.

Obligatory listening because this song literally sums up this whole issue.

I just wish someone would love me, but that will never be my reality.