Para's Ponderings

This past week has brought me a lot of contemplation, and a lot of very unfortunate advice from people that do not understand this situation.

I want to believe other people. I want to believe that persisting is the right choice, but I can’t bring myself to do it. Reality seeps in and I can’t hold onto the illusion.

My psychic told me the other week that she thought I shouldn’t give up. She told me that all I need to do is wait, and time will bring me the things I want. The cards also told her that I was a quitter. So she told me what would happen if I gave up. Something else is waiting for me, it won’t be what I wanted, but it would probably be okay.

I hate uncertainty and always have. So it should be easy for me to just listen and wait.. But it’s not. It’s almost unbearable.

I desperately wish I could believe anyone, but logic wins my internal conflict each and every time.

Things won’t ever change, and all this false hope will keep building and building until something collapses, and in the wreckage will lay the useless shell of a woman who was stupid enough to believe that anything would ever change.

So I hereby declare that I have given up. Now, and forever. I expect nothing and that’s exactly what I’ll get.

I’ll lay to rest the choices that have lead me down this path, I’ll remind myself that no one is to blame, except for myself. I’d tell myself that I won’t make them again but that’d be hopeless too.

I’ll pull myself away from the wreckage I’ve become, I’ll pick up the pieces and I’ll store them in a neat little package. Part of disavowing false hope is knowing they won’t be glued back together.

And I give up. Just like I always do.

Giving up is the only certainty in my life.