Para's Ponderings

I am well and truly dedicating my entire existence to this. Nothing else matters. I will be exactly what I need to be in order to keep this happening. I will do things that scare me, I will go against my nature. I will do literally anything to make this happen. This approval is all…

Is it normal to act like you like someone and then ignore their existence for days? Is it normal to postpone every plan you make, claiming that you got busy? Am I just too obsessive to understand how most people operate? If I make plans, I am sticking to them no matter what… And if…

I spent the vast majority of my life being utterly terrified of change. I took solace in the fact that although I was chronically bored, at least it was stable. When every single day feels as boring as the last, and nothing new ever happens, that outlook dies fairly quickly… I am on the verge…

It’s just another one of those days. I want to peel my skin off, shave my hair and run off into the void. Have I really been the one sabotaging myself this entire time? Have the actions I’ve taken to make myself seem tolerable had the opposite effect? Would I genuinely have been better off…

I used to think that what I needed was stability, to know what was coming, so I didn’t need to fear the unknown. Years of living with something “stable” and I want nothing but to go back to how it was before. I lived in fear of the volatility, and sometimes the violence, but now…

I’ve been thinking about the metaphor “out of the microwave and into the frying pan” – it really does fit almost every situation. Every attempt to remove yourself from a bad situation throws you head-first into a worse one. Any chance for peace leads to more turmoil and bloodshed. Do things ever get better? Is…

Something that almost nobody knows about me is that I am a writer. Or, at least, I was. I haven’t had inspiration in many years. The last time I completed a full project would’ve been around 10 years ago. I had this amazing outline, and knew exactly what I needed the ending to be. I…

Moving is always an enlightening time. Packing your entire life into boxes and being unsure how to put everything back the way it was before. I was asked to move something into my old bedroom. I walked in and Immediately felt sick. Distance really separates you from your worst memories. The room was empty, and…