Para's Ponderings

I spent the vast majority of my life being utterly terrified of change. I took solace in the fact that although I was chronically bored, at least it was stable.

When every single day feels as boring as the last, and nothing new ever happens, that outlook dies fairly quickly…

I am on the verge of doing the most exciting thing that I ever had the opportunity to. Something that has the potential to change literally everything I’ve ever known. Something that can knock down the first domino, causing a chain reaction culminating in a new life, perhaps me finding or at the very least getting closer to thing I’ve always searched for but never found.

I’d never considered doing anything like this before. It was incomprehensible. A concept that I knew existed but I never contemplated outside of judgement towards other people for doing it. Now, it’s all I can think about.

I don’t feel anxious at all, I feel intrigued, and excited. Feelings I’ve come to find feel physically very similar to anxiety, but emotionally worlds away. The past week has seen feelings I’d never knew I would ever be able to feel, it’s seen contemplations that’d have scoffed at a mere three months ago.

I can’t find a downside, at all. And as those who know me can tell you, that’s my biggest talent. The worst case scenario here is that it happens and nothing changes, then I change the variables and try again. If I don’t like it? Not an issue, you’ll find that I’m quite accustomed to that.

I am very confident that this will be wonderful, amazing, show-stopping… Everything. I have never felt quite like this before. I can only describe this feeling as a grown-up version of the excitement you feel as a kid on Christmas. Waking up feels worth it, I’m so hyper-focused on this that nothing else matters.

Obsessions I’ve carried for the better part of ten years aren’t impacting me at all, my boredom is quenched by simply thinking about this. For a lack of a more eloquent term, I am very much ‘locked in’.

It didn’t happen yesterday, that was unfortunate. Likely Thursday, perhaps today… The details are being worked out behind the scenes.

I can’t wait to write about it, I can’t wait to feel these feelings and determine what they mean. I just can’t wait…